Most of the time, the person you’d like to talk to is hoping someone else will start. Both of you wait, the moment passes and you replay it on the way home. The first move doesn’t need to be bold or clever. It needs to be small and easy to answer.
Why waiting rarely works
“If they were interested, they’d say something.” They’re probably thinking exactly the same about you. Shyness keeps far more people quiet than lack of interest does. Someone has to go first, and it’s usually the person who decided it was worth thirty seconds of nerves.
Make it small
A first move isn’t a confession or a request for a date. It’s a hello, a comment about the moment or a question that’s easy to answer. “Can I squeeze in here?” is a first move. So is “Is that the one everyone keeps recommending?” Small moves are easy to make, and easy to say yes to.
Start with the moment you share
Comment on something you’re both part of: the slow line, the band that’s late, the dog trying to steal a sandwich. It gives the other person something easy to react to. How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger has more openers that come from the moment.
Go before you talk yourself out of it
The longer you wait, the bigger it gets in your head. Notice, decide and speak within a few seconds. Your opener will never feel perfect, and it doesn’t need to. How to Get Over Approach Anxiety covers the nerves.
Show interest, not intensity
Relaxed eye contact, a smile and an easy voice say “I’m glad I said hello”. Skip the compliments on their looks for now. Being interested in what they say is more flattering, and much less pressure.
Read the reply
A good first move gets an answer you can read. Longer replies, a question back and turning towards you all mean carry on. One-word answers, looking away or reaching for a phone mean thank them and leave it there. How to Tell If Someone Is Flirting With You helps with the gray areas.
Make the second move too
If it’s going well, the next step is also yours: suggest something specific. A day, a place and an easy way out make it simple to say yes. How to Ask Someone Out walks through the ask.
When you already know them
With someone from your class, your gym or your building, the first move can be a message or a plan rather than an opener. “I’m going to that new ramen place on Friday. Want to come?” is clearer than months of hoping they’ll notice.
If they’re a friend
A first move with a friend carries more weight, so take it slowly and make it easy to say no without losing the friendship. How to Tell a Friend You Like Them covers how.
If it’s a no
A no to a small first move costs you a few seconds of awkwardness. Smile, say something kind and get on with your day. That’s the whole price, and it gets cheaper every time you pay it. How to Take a No Gracefully explains why it matters.
Lines to borrow
- In a slow line: “Is it always this slow, or did we pick the morning the machine broke?”
- At a gig: “Have you seen them live before? I need to know whether to fight for the front.”
- Someone you keep seeing: “We keep ending up at the same table. I’m Sam, by the way.”
- Moving it on: “I’m back here next Saturday. Want to come and help me choose?”
- When it’s a no: “Fair enough! Have a lovely afternoon.”
Practice it
The Record Store puts you next to someone flicking through the same crate, and The Coffee Line gives you one slow line to say something. First Move, the eight-second game on this site, gives you ten new moments a day to pick the strongest opener.