Plenty of people would rather swap Instagram than numbers, especially when you’ve only just met. It feels lighter and lower stakes. The ask itself works the same way either way: it should feel like a natural next step, not a demand.
Ask while it’s going well
The best moment is when the conversation is at a high point, not when it has already started to fizzle. If you’re both laughing, and you’ll have to leave soon, that’s your moment.
Ask in person, don’t search
Finding someone’s account later and following out of the blue can feel like a surprise, even a slightly unsettling one. Asking while you’re talking is easier for both of you.
Tie it to something you talked about
“You have to send me that recipe. What’s your Instagram?” or “I want to see how the climbing goes. Can I follow you?” A reason that comes from the conversation makes the ask feel like part of it.
Use the group photo
At a gig, a party or a match, phones are already out. “Can you tag me in that one?” is the most natural ask there is, and it works for the whole group.
Instagram or number?
Instagram is lighter: a good first step after a short chat, and easy for someone to say yes to. A number is more direct: better when you’ve had a real conversation and you want to make a plan. If you’re interested romantically, a number, or a plan, says so more clearly than a follow.
Hand them your phone
Open the app on the search screen and hand it over. They can type their name, or hand it back if they’d rather not, without either of you spelling usernames out loud.
Make it easy to say no
Keep your tone light and give them room: “No pressure if you’d rather not.” People say yes more easily when no is clearly allowed. If they hesitate or say no, smile, say “No worries” and carry on as normal.
If their account is private
They’ll approve the request when they next look, which might be tomorrow. A slow approval is normal, not a verdict.
What to do next
Follow, then send a short message the same day that picks up a thread from the conversation: “Here for the recipe. Also, did the dog give the ball back?” Don’t like twenty old photos. If the conversation goes well, suggest meeting up.
Start with a story reply
Later on, a thoughtful reply to one of their stories starts a conversation in a way a row of likes never will. How to Slide Into Someone’s DMs has the details.
Lines to borrow
- Tied to the conversation: “I need to see how the sourdough turns out. Are you on Instagram?”
- Keeping it light: “Feel free to say no. I’ll survive, just about.”
- When you’d rather have a number: “Actually, I’d rather take you for a coffee than just follow you. Can I get your number?”
- The first message: “Followed! Now I need a full report on the sourdough.”
- Moving towards a plan: “Your story from the market has made me hungry. Want to go together next Saturday?”
Practice it
The Dog Park is free to play: the dogs start the conversation, and the rest is up to you, including the ask. Farmers Market practices a direct, easy-to-decline ask in broad daylight, and The Story Reply practices the first message after the follow.