Walking into a group of regulars can feel like everyone else got the script. A club, a team, a class, a friend’s friends: they all have their in-jokes and routines. Most groups are glad of a new face, though. They just need you to keep turning up.
Arrive a little early
Before the room fills up, it’s easier to chat to one or two people. Arrive late and you walk into a wall of conversations that are already going.
Ask the regulars
“How long have you been coming?” or “What should I know about this place?” Regulars like being asked, and it gives them an easy way to help you.
Find the connector
Most groups have one person who knows everyone and loves introducing people. Find them early, and they’ll do half the work of getting you in.
Learn names fast
Use each name once when you meet, and jot them down on the way home. Saying hello by name the next week makes you feel like part of the group, to them and to you. If one slips, What to Say When You Forget Someone’s Name helps.
Offer to help
Setting out chairs, putting the kettle on or keeping score gives you something to do and someone to talk to. Groups warm quickly to people who pitch in.
Say yes to the traditions
The cookie tin, the pub afterwards, the running joke: say yes to the little rituals. That’s how a visitor becomes a member.
Ask about the in-jokes
When you don’t get a joke, ask: “Okay, I need the story behind that.” People love telling it, and now you’re part of it.
Hold off on changing things
Wait a while before suggesting a new night, a new venue or a new way of doing things. Ideas land far better once people know you.
Keep coming back
Groups get to know you by seeing you again. The third week is usually when it starts to feel easy.
Suggest something small
Once you know a few names, suggest a coffee or a drink after. Someone is usually glad you asked. Joining a table mid-song? How to Join a Group at a Karaoke Night covers that one.
Lines to borrow
- Arriving early: “Hi, I’m new. Am I in the right place for the walking group?”
- Asking a regular: “What’s the one rule nobody tells newcomers?”
- Saying yes to a tradition: “If there’s a cookie tin involved, I’m in.”
- The second week: “Good to see you again! Did you finish that book in the end?”
- Suggesting something small: “Anyone fancy a drink after? I’m still learning everyone’s names.”
Practice it
Board Game Night practices your first open night at a table of regulars. The Walking Group is free to play, and The Book Club practices the same skills at a monthly meeting. Every August, The Lido puts you in cold water with a circle of regulars who have swum together for years, and every June, The Bonfire puts you at a sea swimming club’s midsummer fire, where a barbecue that won’t light is your way in.